A lonley day with anxiety

From the age of 17 I have suffered an anxiety condition and at times, this little gremlin has managed to consume and debilitate my life. It's an awful condition to live with for a number of reasons but the main being, the unexpected habit of suddenly appearing in my life without warning, the ability to suck me up and consume all of my being, and the emptiness that comes with it because no-one can see the physical symptoms, therefore making it very difficult for anyone to understand.

It is a silent condition that is hidden from all those around me but on the inside, it deafens me. It screams at me, it squashes my chest so much that I feel like I can't breathe in, it takes my breathe away, it makes my heart beat so fast I feel like I can't keep up, it makes me sweat and it makes my hands and feet tingle, putting one foot in front of the other brings a feeling of falling over and passing out, it makes my limbs and jaw clench until it hurts and it can train my brain into thinking I am dying. It can rule my life and make me so scared that I withdraw from all those around me. I've even spent 12 months tucked inside my house, riddled with fear that if I step outside it will get me.

When I gave birth to Fletcher (my first child) an ability to stop that anxiety gremlin was also born. Fletcher was my saviour, he gave me back my self-confidence, my strength and the ability to stay focused on what is important. And that was to care for my newborn baby. After my darling boy was born, I went years without an anxiety attack but recently, they have been creeping back into my life. No idea why and of course, unexpectedly? I'm working on my fear and tying to free myself and my mind of this awful condition but it is exhausting, it sucks all my energy and it makes me angry that I have to deal with this sometimes, on a daily basis.

But here, here in my little home, I have found happiness that helps free my mind. It gives me creative freedom to express myself and give me the warm and fuzzies! I love this little house, it's my home, it's where I feel safe, warm and so happy and in love. It's funny how I look at all the magazines and goo and gar over what's inside. In actual fact, what I have IS beautiful and it's not just a picture in a magazine, I am actually living in it, with it and surrounded by it. It's simple really - this little house, with my little family, is all I need to make me happy.